Kartika Series: Learning the Ropes

I was going. It still hadn't sunk in. As the last week of September came to an end and the chilly breezes hinting of October started to billow in, I realized it was time!

Thursday morning- I hurriedly packed my bags, in my typical last minute fashion, and settled on the train heading to Montreal. The excitement finally started to settle in. I was going to be going on the altar that very night! For the next few days, I would be shadowing Tulasi Seva devi and watching her dress Sri Sri Radha Manohara in the morning and the evening.

I quickly took a shower upon arriving and made my way to the temple room. As I chanted my rounds and stared at Radha Manohara I still couldn't believe it. I was totally unqualified. Were they really going to be letting me come near them?

It was the same feeling I got whenever I traveled to the holy dham. Would Krsna really let me enter? I never really believed it until I got there. Entering the inner sanctum of Sri Sri Radha Manohara's altar is also a holy dham and so the feeling resonated with me. Anything could happen. After all, we're talking about a tricky blue-hued cowherd boy. ;)

As the last notes of the evening aarti came to a close, I followed Tulasi Seva devi onto the altar. Expertly and efficiently she started removing the jewelry and other paraphernalia decorating Their Lordships. As I stood there watching, she encouraged me to help her and so silently we worked in tandem. It was actually happening.

Returning back to the pujari room, she gave me a tour of Radha Manohara's dressing room. Preparing for the next day's dressing, she effortlessly and gracefully moved around the room showing me different items and giving me pieces of advice. Upon finishing, she smiled and said, "See you in the morning," and left leaving me with my thoughts.

As I made my way back to the asrama, I was in a state of shock. I actually got to help dress Manohara! Brimming with anticipation for the next morning, I set my alarm clock for 3:45 am. Despite very little sleep, I woke up alert and ready. Mangala aarti came and went and it was time again to go back on the altar. As I watched Tulasi Seva devi and assisted her once again, I kept taking mental notes. I knew that the moment I was left alone on that altar with Radha Manohara any sense of competency I felt would instantly vanish. As we finished dressing, she looked at me and said, "Would you like to paint Manohara?" "What?" I exclaimed as I know I'm definitely no artist. She laughed and said, "Sure, go ahead." I don't think I've ever taken so long to paint a few very basic gopi dots in my life!

I didn't really know what to think. So many experiences were happening in such a short period of time and apparently Krsna decided that he might as well throw me in the deep end when I could barely swim. Not even a few hours later, Tulasi Seva devi came up to me and asked, "Do you think you could dress Jagannath tonight?" Having never dressed Jagannath in Montreal before I was a little hesitant, but she casually brushed away my fears. "No problem," she said, and then added, "Also, do you think you could dress Radha Manohara tomorrow night?"

Having arrived on Thursday night, I wasn't supposed to be dressing on my own until the following Monday night. However, Krsna being all merciful and tricky apparently decided he wanted to speed things up. That evening I got the opportunity to dress Jagannath and nearly fell over picking up his gigantic turban! It was so wonderful.

The next evening I dressed Radha Manohara on my own. I remember feeling completely dependent and unsure. Krsna was letting me come so close to him and yet I felt so far away. It made me realize that this would be the theme for this month of Kartika- undeserving mercy.

It also made me realize that in learning the ropes, there's no better way than to just grab on and depend on Krsna.

Kartika Series: The Hesitation

I'd like to dedicate this second piece of writing to my dear friend Tanya. Thank you for your continued encouragement and extinguishing any doubts I had.

The Hesitation-

I was on cloud five trillion. Who wouldn't be? I had been handed the opportunity of a lifetime- dressing Sri Sri Radha Manohara.

The more I thought about it, the more excited I became. But maya is sneaky because along with the excitement came hints of doubts. As I sat in the car, I reflected on my answer. After my initial outburst of "YES!" reality had set in and I realized that I couldn't commit without seriously thinking about this. It wasn't just an opportunity; it was also a huge responsibility. I wanted to make sure that I was 100% certain that I could do this, and so I had told Tulasi Seva devi that I would get back to her within a few days.

The time had come to tell my parents. As I excitedly and somewhat incoherently rattled off what had happened on the car drive home, I caught my dad's eye in the rear-view mirror. He didn't say much. All he said was, "What a wonderful opportunity. You must do this, after all Sri Sri Radha Manohara have done for you." And that was it. My mother, was equally thrilled but wanted to hear more details which I provided.

After reaching home, I started coming down from the initial high, and my rascal mind started entertaining more doubts. But what if I got a job during that time? What if I couldn't handle ashrama life in Montreal? What if I committed tons of offences and would have to suffer reactions? What if, what if, what if...the list continued.

This is the way the mind works. One can be given the greatest fortune, and even then the mind can come up with excuses. The longer one entertains these doubts/excuses, the more powerful it can become.

My main two doubts were that I would be offered a job during that time and secondly if I could handle ashrama life in Montreal. I spoke to my dad. He is one of the first people I always go to for spiritual advice being very sane and grounded.

I told him about my fear about getting a job during that time. He leveled me with a look, "Well what would you do?" He asked. I spoke honestly, "Well, I really feel that I should do this service for the whole month of Kartika....so....if anyone asked me to start during that time I would say I couldn't." He nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, I think so too. Radha Manohara will take care of you. Don't worry."

Well that took care of that. Although I didn't have complete faith, I knew it was the right thing to do. Besides, HG Laxmimoni prabhu's words were ringing in my ears. The last time I spoke to her she had said, "Why don't you just dedicate one year to temple life?" Well here was my chance...it wasn't one year, but at least I could try to dedicate one month of my life to temple service.

Now, the big one. Could I handle ashrama life in Montreal? Krsna has been very merciful to me. I had the opportunity to live in the ashrama in Radhadesh when doing Bhakti Sastri and it had been a wonderful experience. But that was just it- I had never really served in a temple in North America. Europe and India yes, but not yet North America.

But who could I ask. Tanya. The first person who came to mind. Tanya is extraordinary. Working full time at Concordia University she spends six days a week at the ladies ashram here in Montreal and does a whole gamut of services. Hesitatingly, I approached her. "What's it like in the ashrama? How's the morning program? Is there heating?" Yes, I actually asked that. Is there heating? LOL. She very patiently answered all my questions, despite how preposterous they were.

Yet still, I was hesitating. It was Krsna working through Tanya who really pushed me, and for that I will always be indebted to her. She would not give up on me. Using whatever leverage she could find she would send text messages asking when I was coming, telling me that Radha Manohara were personally inviting me to come, going as far as to say I was crazy to not be calling Tulasi devi back to inform her I was coming.

There is only so much sweetness a person can take. Soon I hit my limit and said, "Alright Radha Manohara, I'm yours for the month." Calling Tulasi Seva devi I informed her I would be coming, but I told her I could only commit for two weeks but would try to be there for the whole of Kartika. Why? I wanted to make sure that I could handle it because with incredible mercy comes great responsibility. Working out the details, we decided it would be best for me to come a few days before she left for India so I could become familiar with everything.

The invitation had come and it had now been formally accepted.

Kartika Series: The Invitation

For the month of Kartika I barely wrote. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was consumed. Consumed and utterly engrossed in service. Now that Kartika has come and gone, I am left with the deep impressions it has ingrained in my heart. Following in the footsteps of my dear friend Bhakti, I thought that the best way to share some of these experiences would be to write a series. The Kartika series.

The Invitation-

It seems almost a life-time ago, but this year's mystical Kartika journey began to manifest in early September. Jobless and slightly frustrated, I didn't have any hopes of going to India this year, but little did I know that Krsna had other plans for me.

Early September marked the Prabhupada Festival that the devotees in Montreal hold every year. Having never attended one, I had the great fortune of being allowed to go. Four days of intense Srila Prabhupada katha by HG Sruta Kirti prabhu. It was pure nectar. While being there, I hesitatingly asked if I could do any pujari service for the deities and Krsna being all merciful allowed me the opportunity to dress Sri Sri Gaura Nitai twice during my four day visit.

It was Saturday evening and I was standing on the altar, astonished that someone as undeserving as myself had been granted this special service. Having assisted Gaura Nitai get into their evening dress, I was standing spellbound in front of Sri Sri Radha Manohara.

Radha Manohara have an extremely special place in my heart. Not only are they mind-numbingly beautiful Deities, but they are the Deities that I grew up with. Before I was born, my parents lived across the street from the temple in Montreal and when I was 10 days old they brought me to the temple on Janmastami. They are not just Deities for me, but a part of my family. As I was flooded with memories, I was praying, "Oh my dear Radha Manohara, please allow me to dress you one day." As I continued to steal a few extra minutes on the altar to absorb this extremely rare and close-up darshan, I kept praying, "Please let me dress you one day."

The next morning I just happened to be in the kitchen, watching in awe as the devotees expertly and speedily were preparing prasadam for both the breakfast offering and the boat ride later in the day. As I was hanging around, the head pujari HG Tulasi Seva devi suddenly asked me, "So are you working these days?" I told her no, at the moment I wasn't. She fell quiet and something inside me prompted me to ask, "Why?" Looking up from the pot she was stirring she said, "Well, I'll be going to India for about a month and we need a pujari to help out here. Would you be able to come and help out for sometime?" I stood there stunned and distinctly remember asking, "You mean helping to dress Radha Manohara." Cheerfully she laughed and said, "Yes, it would mean dressing Radha Manohara everyday during the week, morning and evening."

There it was. The answer to my prayers. Not even twelve hours before I had been standing in front of Radha Manohara asking them if they would allow me to dress them and here was their dear and long-standing devotee asking me if I could come and dress them, not just at any time, but for the auspicious month of Kartika. The time when I am longing to be in Vrndavana.

This was it. The invitation I had been longing for.

Harinama Addict

It's been way too long since I've written and I can feel all the experiences I've had so far this Kartik just longing to tumble out of my fingertips.

This year, Krishna in his most beautiful form of Manohara, has brought me to Vrndavana in a very unique way. I got to skip the grueling traveling of 16 hours + and instead was allowed to come to Sri Sri Radha Manohara's temple in Montreal. Although I would love to be in the physical geographical location of Vrndavana, the mood and consciousness of the dham are being manifested right here in the increasingly cold climate of Montreal.

So far, I have been lucky to go out on harinama almost five days a week. A few sincere and dedicated devotees go out nearly everyday despite rain or shine but always with the attitude of determination to present the public of Montreal with the nectarean sounds of the holy names.

Truth be told, I like harinama. Occasionally. LOL. It's not something that I have ever done on a regular basis, but I'll say one thing. Just like this beautiful Manohara here finds tricky ways to get you super attached to him, it's the same deal with harinama. You get hooked and fast. It's almost like an addiction. The day just doesn't feel the same without going out on harinama.

It's also the most revealing experience on both the internal and external level. On the internal level, just like everything else in devotional service for the neophyte practitioner, there are days when the mind just doesn't feel like it. It will come up with every excuse in the book not to go out. Or even worse is when the enthusiasm to go is there in the beginning and once you are out on the streets it just suddenly fizzles away.

Or if you ever have an opportunity to lead. Wow! If you want to get a good glimpse into your level of devotion, leading a harinama is a good way to find out. My ideal meditation is to dedicate this service to my Guru Maharaja who used to go out on books and do harinama in addition to all the deity service when he used to be at the Boston temple in the early days. His sincere desire to serve Srila Prabhupada is so inspiring. But try keeping that meditation with people bustling past you, horns honking and the ever dreaded making sure the melody you picked is one others can follow.

On the external level it is amazing to see the modes are at work. One can actually see how the material world really is one of suffering. Rarely does anyone look happy as they walk by, unless they happen to catch a smile of a devotee and per chance return one. Everyone looks stressed, tired and worn out. And of those who are driving, many are irate, upset and frustrated at the others who are sharing the road with them.

So in the midst of the chaos and confusion the sweet sound of harinama pierces through the thick curtain of mixed consciousness. It jolts passers by out of their I, me, my worlds and catches them off guard. So the next time someone says, "Let's go on harinama" don't think twice. Just go. Whether it be three devotees or 300 devotees, it's not actually a numbers game. It's the best gift you can give to yourself. This is an addiction you you want to take up.

Krishna is Present With Us At Every Moment

This is an excerpt from a lecture that HH Radhanath Swami gave. I found this to be so beautiful and relevant that I wanted to share it. You can find the complete lecture transcription at www.radhanathmaharaj.net/node/5

So we find here, Gajendra in his condition has complete faith. He’s not offering a prayer that "Maybe the Lord will come, I hope He comes, I hope He hears me, I hope He exists." Have any of you chanted with that frame of mind? You chant in a very very dangerous situation. We’re chanting the Holy Names and we may be thinking, "I hope Krishna exists, I really need Him and I hope He hears me and I hope He reciprocates." In other words we are practicing bhakti but we don’t have complete shraddha, nista. Nista means very, very deep and strong faith. This is preliminary to bhava or to love awakening within our hearts. We have to have very strong foundational faith in whatever we do. When we’re making a garland, we have such faith that Krishna at this very moment is accepting my service or we’re sitting in Bhagavatam class, when we’re chanting our rounds, when we’re doing kirtana, when we’re sweeping the floor or washing the walls or whatever service we’re doing, management or book distribution or taking care of our child or our parents or studying in school with a spiritual purpose. Whatever service we may be doing it’s important that we have complete faith that here and now at this very moment, Krishna is present. Present in my heart, present in between every atom, present in the effulgence of Brahman, present in the moon and in the sun, present watching, hearing, responding, accepting my efforts and if I’m doing it properly, Krishna at this very moment is pleased with me. That is bhakti. Not that, "I’ll please Krishna tomorrow, today there's just some other things I have to deal with in my mind." Tomorrow never comes in that sense.

What Kind of Love?

This weekend I had a wonderful opportunity to attend Russell's revived "Riverfest". Russell is a small town about a half an hour from Ottawa. My godbrother Kacper was one of the key players in reviving this little festival which consisted of showing Russell's artistic talent. The festival took place in a small parking lot which overlooked a small ravine/hill where the centre stage was set up.

In the parking lot there were different booths set up including the small Russell newspaper, different artisan craftsmen showcasing their wares as well as a booth for Govinda's! Kacper had the brilliant idea of having Govinda's provide hot meals for the festival. As my dear friend Vraja put it, "Prasadam has now hit Russell!"

The event was really sweet. Being a small town, everyone is so friendly, obliging and welcoming. There were two highlights for me though. First of all, being allowed to help serve out prasadam to those who had never received it was truly mind-blowing. Secondly, I had an opportunity to spend time with my senior godbrother- HG Paramahamsa prabhu.

Paramahamsa prabhu is hands down one of the most inspirational devotees I have the good fortune of knowing. He is a gentle soul who truly practices the art of sadhu sanga. He is dedicated to serving our beloved Guru Maharaja and the vaisnavas through body, mind and words. Never wanting to be in the spotlight, he is the seemingly invisible mover and shaker who gets things done and is an incredible father as evidenced by his two wonderful children Agata and Kacper.

As the day progressed, I had an opportunity to hear some of his realizations and one of them really struck me. He was speaking about co-operation and was quoting Srila Prabhupada's famous words "You can show your love for me by how you cooperate with one another."

As he was speaking about cooperation, he brought up a very insightful point. He was saying that as devotees it's not enough that we simply cooperate. We need to take a good and hard look at how we cooperate. For example, we can simply tolerate one another, forget to value and appreciate each other and say, "Yes, I'm cooperating!" But Prabhupada said that our love is shown by how we cooperate. Is that the kind of love we have for one another then? Simply using each others' time, energy, talents and resources in the name of service?

We need to value and respect one another. Of course, we may not always agree, but respect and affection must be there. It should be the basis of all our dealings as bhakti yoga practitioners. How can we expect to go back to Godhead if our dealings with one another here are any representation of how we would act if we went back to the spiritual world? I don't think Krishna wants that kind of love.

Prabhu went on to say that the vaisnavas are the most valuable gems that we have. They are our lifeline. Without them we would be lost and so it is most imperative that we learn to how to interact with one another properly. If we do so, then not only can we cooperate nicely but we can truly show Srila Prabhupada how much we love him.

Thank you Paramahamsa prabhu for showing by example what it means to love Srila Prabhupada.

Engulfed in a Memory

Have you ever been engulfed in a memory? Somehow just whisked away and dropped into a moment that was long forgotten? Yesterday I was carried back to Italy.

During the summer of 2005, my best friend Sudevi and I traveled through different parts of Europe attending different festivals. Upon arriving in Venice-Treviso, we had to take a train to get to our next destination of Trieste. Since neither of us spoke Italian, both of us were utterly confused and so what should have taken us moments to figure out ended up costing us minutes.

I still remember how we were waiting in an impossibly long line to get our tickets when we heard an announcement saying the train we were supposed to be on was about to leave. Considering the fact that we had to catch a bus leaving that night from Trieste to Zagreb, Croatia, this left us in a dilemma. On one hand we had no ticket in our hand and on the other hand we HAD to make that train.

Within seconds I found myself running after Sudevi who was running for the train. My Canadian mentality was thinking "We don't have a ticket! How can we get on the train!?" A few minutes later a weary and exhilarated Sudevi and I found ourselves on a moving train towards Trieste.

As we caught our breath, we saw the ticket inspector walking around. As I calmly started panicking, Sudevi remained cool. In an off-handed manner she reassured me that in Europe you can just buy your ticket on the train. So when the inspector came to us, we somehow managed to convey to him that we needed to buy a ticket. Consulting his clipboard he informed us that it would cost us each 30 Euros. What? It didn't make any sense. At the station the ticket would have only cost us 5 Euros. The inspector nodded and said that this was the penalty for buying the ticket on board. He then gave us two options: 1. we pay the outrageous price or 2. we get off at the next stop, buy the ticket at the station and take the next train.

Considering we were traveling on a very meager budget, the choice was clear and so we disembarked at the next station. This was the exact moment I was carried away to yesterday. A flashback of Sudevi and I sitting on the pavement at this remote station somewhere in Italy, after having bought popsicles. The early evening sun shone upon us and we were giggling at the predicament we were in.

These are the special moments. Moments where you remind one another that this must be Krishna's arrangement and you take the time given to you to talk Krsna katha rather than curse the universe for not allowing your plans to work out the way you want to.

I had forgotten that moment. I had forgotten the muggy air, the 45 minute wait for the next train and the joy of eating a popsicle with my dear friend. As I sit recollecting now, we never did make the bus that night as that second train ended up getting delayed. Instead we had to spend a night in Trieste where we ate some gelato and wandered around the beautiful seaport city before heading to Zagreb in the morning.

I still don't remember exactly what we spoke about that day, but the image still brings a smile to my face as I think back to two girls, a remote train station and peals of laughter piercing the Italian evening air.