Belonging

Ever get the feeling that you just don't belong? Maybe the last time was during your teenage years where you walked into a social gathering knowing no one at all. We all long for a sense of belonging, a sense that "we fit in".

For some time now I feel that I just don't belong. I have wonderful friends, a loving family and so many well-wishers that one might suggest that my problem is due to the fact that I'm not grateful for the gifts that have been given to me. That's very true. I'll admit I'm not a grateful person and it's something I need to work on, but lately I feel as though it's something more.

Deep down I believe this sense of "not belonging" is due to a lack of permanency. Not only the lack of permanency in my own life but the constant change that is constantly surrounding everyone and everything I am associated to and with. I know many others I have spoken to have also shared that they experience this. The material world is said to be real yet impermanent. My realization is that it is hard "to belong" to anyone or anything when an expiration date is part of the package deal.

Relationships, situations, perspectives....they all change. I guess that's the lesson that Krsna is trying to teach me and that I don't want to accept. That despite whatever I am experiencing, He is the one permanent person that will never change, never leave and will always be there. Theoretically the concept is locked into my brain but on the basis of faith, I think I have a long way to go. Ultimately that is the lesson, isn't it?

So despite feeling as though I don't belong and I'm not connected, I aspire to embrace these feelings so that I can depend on Krsna more. On the most Krsna conscious perspective (which unfortunately is not the one I'm operating on :P) this is the greatest blessing. Most of the time our problem lies in the fact that we feel that the material world is our home and that all our pastimes here is what can sustain us. Although I feel like a small ship that is being tossed about in the rough seas and winds of change and upheaval, I pray that the steady anchor of Krsna's mercy will provide a safe haven keeping me safely enveloped in His merciful glance.