Who Do I Go To?

Whenever I'm feeling anxious, worried, or a little just "blah" I normally turn to my friends, to the internet or anything else except my beads. But lately, it's funny, but I really feel nothing else BUT my beads or the Bhagavatam can help me. Of course, talking to devotees always helps, but there's something about turning to my beads. My beads to me represent the incredible mercy of my spiritual master who has given me the holy names of Krsna. Although I still struggle to feel anything when I chant, I've stopped counting how many rounds left until I hit 16. Instead, I try to focus on praying and listening.

I had a nice realization a little while ago. My chanting is my time spent in conversation with the Lord. What do I mean by that? Well, when I actually hear the holy name of Krsna (and I actually mean HEAR), that's actually Krsna talking to me. I can just imagine what you're thinking...."She thinks Krsna is talking to her?" LOL! Let me explain. I notice that if I sincerely listen with an open heart and try not to impose my own conditions and limitations, I can feel some connection with Krsna. That's really what a conversation is when you think about it. It's not necessarily about getting answers or advice, but it's more about feeling and connecting with the other individual. Words allow us to make a connection and when emotion is injected with those words, that connection can be really be "heart-deep."

So nowadays, that connection with Krsna is the only thing that helps when I'm feeling blue. Now it could just be some incredible mercy I'm receiving here in Mayapur, but I sincerely pray that I will always feel this way. I hope I will always feel that the only way I can get rid of my anxieties, worries and doubts will be to turn to my beads which are my life-line and connection to Guru and Krsna.