Belonging

Ever get the feeling that you just don't belong? Maybe the last time was during your teenage years where you walked into a social gathering knowing no one at all. We all long for a sense of belonging, a sense that "we fit in".

For some time now I feel that I just don't belong. I have wonderful friends, a loving family and so many well-wishers that one might suggest that my problem is due to the fact that I'm not grateful for the gifts that have been given to me. That's very true. I'll admit I'm not a grateful person and it's something I need to work on, but lately I feel as though it's something more.

Deep down I believe this sense of "not belonging" is due to a lack of permanency. Not only the lack of permanency in my own life but the constant change that is constantly surrounding everyone and everything I am associated to and with. I know many others I have spoken to have also shared that they experience this. The material world is said to be real yet impermanent. My realization is that it is hard "to belong" to anyone or anything when an expiration date is part of the package deal.

Relationships, situations, perspectives....they all change. I guess that's the lesson that Krsna is trying to teach me and that I don't want to accept. That despite whatever I am experiencing, He is the one permanent person that will never change, never leave and will always be there. Theoretically the concept is locked into my brain but on the basis of faith, I think I have a long way to go. Ultimately that is the lesson, isn't it?

So despite feeling as though I don't belong and I'm not connected, I aspire to embrace these feelings so that I can depend on Krsna more. On the most Krsna conscious perspective (which unfortunately is not the one I'm operating on :P) this is the greatest blessing. Most of the time our problem lies in the fact that we feel that the material world is our home and that all our pastimes here is what can sustain us. Although I feel like a small ship that is being tossed about in the rough seas and winds of change and upheaval, I pray that the steady anchor of Krsna's mercy will provide a safe haven keeping me safely enveloped in His merciful glance.

Face-Face Time

At present when I look around me it's a bit jarring to see how the days appear to pass by in a blink of an eye. Everyone, including myself, is always "busy."

I notice that when I'm literally running through my week, this all feels normal. This is the way life is supposed to be, no problem. It's only when I take the time to reflect, does it feel extremely artificial. What happened to the days when you could just call someone without having to make an appointment with them or drop in just to visit?

I was at the wedding this past weekend and it gladdened my heart to get some quality time with some of my devotee friends. Instead of having to email, Skype or text someone to schedule a few minutes to hear their thoughts, realizations and engage in an emotional exchange, it happened spontaneously and organically.

That's what happens when everyone is together- there is a chance to actually connect. I have never personally been a huge fan of the telephone or email although its become two of the most convenient mediums to communicate through. There's something about sitting in front of someone and seeing their big grin, hand gestures, head nodding or toe tapping that just can't be translated via an emoticon no matter how creative they become.

These are the moments in time the camera of our mind captures. These are the things that will get us through the doldrums of material existence that each and every one of us will have to face. Whenever an opportunity presents itself to spend time with one another, we should try grab it. In order for us to love Krsna, we need to love his devotees. The easiest way to do that is spend time with them.

However insane my life gets, that's what I want to do. Prioritize spending face-face time with the devotees. Whether it be speaking Krsna katha over a plate of some yummy prasadam or hanging out in a hotel room catching up on on someone's life, it's a valuable gift. Thank you to all those I got a chance to serve with and speak to this past weekend. I cherish it and hope that the opportunity to spend time with you comes soon!